Today I woke up crying. As bad as it sounds, that isn't actually that rare for me...though it isn't something I thought I'd be talking about this early into this whole blogging project. It isn't quite the pathetic scene you might imagine. It has to do with a lot of grief that I still carry inside me over the loss of my dad, my grandma, my 2nd dad (Tommy), and my sister. I am nowhere near ready to drudge up all of those ghosts here, so I'll just say that the loss of each one of them is still a lot to bear, and there are bits of sorrow inside me still being processed. Sometimes I wake up without really being able to remember what I dreamed about them, but still able to feel their presence, and that's a hard way to enter into waking consciousness. I am woeful as sort of a permanent part of my being now, but that in no way means that I am a depressed. I still laugh a lot, joke a lot, have a lot of fun, love passionately, and am perfectly capable of seeing great beauty in life. I guess to me, though, grief is beautiful too, because it's an echo of love.
Even though it started out with that weird, haunting sadness, the day didn't turn out half bad. Wednesdays are always busy for me, because they're the first in a string of 3 days each week when I teach Hoop Dance classes. They're always the day I introduce something new, but because we worked on a pretty tricky new skill last week, this week was more of a continuation of things we've previously worked on. That meant that the only thing I really had to prepare this week was a new stretch, and things were fairly easy-going on the hoop front.
I did, however, have a bit of a double-whammy of activity today, because in addition to kicking off a new week of hoop classes, I hosted my coven for the full moon. For weeks I had been planning this amazing fire ritual, and of course today was rainy and dreary all day. Thunderstorms came and went, the power was in and out, the dogs scoffed defiantly at the idea of going out, and needless to say...the fire pit and all of the wood were soaked. Even if the rain let up for the evening, there would have been no hope. So, rather than scrambling at the last minute to figure out what to do, I made the decision early in the day to come up with an alternate plan so that we wouldn't miss a beat. If it was going to rain, that was cool! I'd just come up with something that involved the rain! Since the rain came with its fair share of thunder and lightning today, I thought that we'd go outside, get good and wet, connect with the energy of the storm, and gather some highly charged storm water to use in workings down the road that needed a little extra "umph." We were all geared up to move forward with our new plan, and then...no more rain! Ah, Mother Nature always has lessons to impart! Be unpredictable, spontaneous, and able to work with the moment you're given. OK...noted.
We ended up completely improvising and actually having a great time. We went outside at dusk into an area where we were entirely surrounded by maple trees and fireflies. We staggered candles all throughout the grass around us, and then did a bit of a storm dance. A huge wind came through and blew out all of the candles, which was a stunning effect, and then the thunder began to rumble while lightning cut across the sky. No rain, which meant no rain water to collect, but the energy in the air was still out of control, and we all really enjoyed it.
And now, after a day spent in intense preparation and an evening spent in intense activity, I am in bed typing this, wondering when Matt will get home from over-working himself, and hoping that tomorrow I wake up with a kiss from my husband, rather than from warm tears running down my face.
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